A Day in My Existence

My day begins

I struggle to wake up, then struggle to get off the bed

Finding clean clothes feels impossible

The thought of doing anything seems insurmountable

But I drag myself to the kitchen and feed the cat

Fill the tea kettle

Peek at the shelves to see what I can eat then groan as I see nothing new has appeared

Stumble to the bathroom, wash my face, brush my teeth and peer at my reflection wondering why I never like what I see

A quick thought of should I comb my hair but that seems like too much work

Messy bun it is.

Turn on the computer to start the workday

Scroll through emails aggravated at each one

Responding with exclamation marks and emojis that make me appear to be awake and happy

The scream of the kettle goes off and the cat runs from the piercing sound

Lift myself and curse at my aching knees

Sore from years of holding up my frame that screams ‘She Eats Her Feelings’

Make the tea, grab a snack, back to work

Time drags

I spend half the day working and half of it choosing which videos to watch on YouTube

Lunchtime arrives, I stand before the fridge not wanting a single thing in there.

Settle for a nap instead

Just as I drift off the alarm sounds

Back to work and YouTube

Staring at screens, pretending to care, volunteering for projects I don’t want to make up for my lack of interest

Skys black, works over, what to do

Go back to bed or be productive

Compromise on sitting on the couch

My favorite spot calls me, the remote ready and willing to provide mindless background noise as I play a game or write a story or just stare at the wall

Moments of happiness pop up when the cat does anything cute, but as soon as the picture is snapped the empty feeling returns

Calls from friends, ‘‘I’m fine’ I say. If I told them what I really felt they would sleep for a week

The one or two that know me well, press harder, I give them tidbits but even they can’t shouldn’t have to share this burden

My father calls, he already carries the guilt of my siblings' poor decisions

I don’t want to add to that, so for him I’m ‘Doing good’

Dinner arrives, once again searching for food I don’t want

Eat it on the couch, cuddle the cat then wash the dishes

Debate whether it’s too early to go to bed

Decide it’s not

Then spend two more hours playing games on my phone

Insomnia stays with me like an appendage

I lay awake rethinking everything

Am I too dramatic?

Am I too chaotic?

Am I too far gone?

Should I change my meds?

Should I just give up?

Why do I struggle when there’s no hope?

Eventually the day ends

I drift asleep knowing all tomorrows will play out much the same